Graduate students are a rare and special breed of creature, who live on the fringe of contemporary society. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising that special care has to be made when talking to them. So, in an unknown number of parts, I plan to help the average person whose life decisions did not involve sacrificing their youth to a subtle chunk of academic minutia learn how to communicate with the graduate students in their lives.

In this part, we discuss “idle conversation” themes. Most people will ask “so what do you do?” and get an answer like “I’m an accountant.” or “I’m a executive producer for a pornography production company.” From here, you can begin to express an interest in aspects of this career. But the moment you hear “I’m a graduate student” it’s time to tread lightly, both for your sake and theirs. So here are a few loaded questions you should know what you’ll be in for.

“So what do you do with X?” This question has many answers. If you happen to talk to an engineer or other technical type, you might get an answer like “work in industry”. But for the most part, the answer is probably “go back to academia and teach”. The reason for this is simple — with very few exceptions, private industry isn’t interested in fields that people with a PhD are interested in. IBM doesn’t care about the reproductive habits of a particular rare species of ant located in a three square mile patch of the Amazon rain forest. Sachs Goldman has no use for a mathematician whose primary field of interest is algebraic topology. This is not even reaching into the humanities subjects, which generally seem to have two career paths, academia or book store sales clerk.

“My friend is in [humanities field] and…” If you are talking to a technical type graduate student, he (it will be a he, I promise) will have a response that ranges from snickering to scoffing. Similarly, if you are talking to someone else in a humanities field, they will probably be completely uninterested in what they do. Graduate students barely have time to ignore their own field of interest, much less that of someone else.

“How long until you graduate?” This is likely to cause the student’s mood to rapidly sour, and may result in tears.

“What’s your research?” This is probably the most dangerous question you can ask. If you give the more vague “what do you do?” question, you could get the answer of “waste my advisor’s time and money” (I have gotten this answer before). If the graduate student gives you an actual answer, it is highly unlikely that you’ll understand a word of it. Remember, graduate school is about becoming the world’s leading expert on sexual overtones between lines 1527 and 1893 of T.S. Eliot’s Ash Wednesday. They have read countless articles, and written a few of their own, discussing this. You have not. If you slip up and ask this question, it is best if you just feign interest and then aim for the punch bowl and quickly empty your drink to get a polite excuse to escape. Chewing your own ears off is also acceptable if you are cornered with a full beverage.

“Do you like what you do?” Graduate school is essentially Stockholm syndrome on a massed scale. Whether they should like it or not based on an objective person’s viewpoint, they’ve been molded into thinking that they do.

“Would you like to meet up some time and grab a drink?” and other date propositions. Do not do this. Ever. Graduate students only date other graduate students. Maybe, MAYBE you should try this once, but you’ll quickly learn why it’s a mistake.

In the next part, I’ll hope to enlighten you about how the graduate student views the world around him.